A Dysfunctional Family

Dear Friends,

Jesus often taught people through these weird stories, or parables. I think it’s because parables are meant to disturb and disrupt our commonly held understandings of God, of religion, of Jesus, and community and even family life. They have the potential to break you open and show you hidden or hurting parts within you and within your relationships. They are not meant to provide comfort or keep you apathetically relaxed. They speak truth to power and disrupt religious security. 

A very familiar parable is the Prodigal Son. You can read about it in Luke 15:11-32. 

For those listening, Jesus beginning his parable with “A man had two sons,” would have caused them to think of others in their lineage who had two sons: Adam had two sons, Cain and Able. Abraham had two sons, Ishmael and Isaac. Isaac had two sons, Esau and Jacob. And in these stories, the younger brother was the one who was favored. So right from the start, we can see that this is a story about a family and the complications of family dynamics because instead of being the good younger son, this is a combative, over-indulgent and self-absorbed son. 

He asked his father for his share of the inheritance--land, animals, and property structures. His father obliges his request, which is really weird. Why wouldn’t he just say no? How many other demanding requests had this younger son previously-incessantly asked his father for? Did he wear him down over time that his father was like, “fine, it’s yours. Just be done with it.”

(I once heard that, as parents, we just can’t imagine the day when our children will grow up and leave our home that we want to hold onto them as long as possible, but as they become teenagers and become so challenging, we actually begin to look forward to when they’ll grow up and move out! )

This father began the long process of dividing his life between his two sons, taking account of everything and making sure it was fair and equitable. I wonder if he tried to slow the process down, just to keep his son with him a little longer and praying he’d change his mind. But when it was done, his son immediately began liquidating the assets. For a month, his son probably met with wealthy investors and sketchy slumlords, selling off family land that had been passed down through the generations—land his father and his father’s father and all their children grew up on. I’m not sure what the older brother would have thought as their childhood was depleted out from underneath him. I wonder if he was confused and disappointed that his dad wasn’t doing more or why he would allow this to happen. The text doesn’t mention this older son and I wonder if he felt just as overlooked as the text seems to suggest.

Without looking back for a second, this younger brother leaves his family, friends, community, and homeland behind, totally self-centered and self-focused. Was it poor parenting or a failure from the religious community? Was he not prayed over enough or given enough responsibility? Did something traumatic happen to him that caused him to leave any and all healthy relationships? We don’t know how long he was gone, but we can assume it was years. 

The text says that he wasted everything he had and by the time it was gone, a famine had already struck the land. Starvation is a fine motivator for a person to work in any field, even with pigs. While this younger brother was there, it seems he had a change of heart, but did he? Was it true and real repentance or was it just that things weren’t working out for him and things were better at home? I don’t think his motivation was repentance as much as convenience and comfort. 

This younger brother put together some memorized words for his father that showed little regret for his actions: “I have sinned against heaven and before you.” This is the same line that Pharaoh used towards Moses to hopefully stop the plagues, but we know he didn’t mean it. One pastor said it like this, “I’ll go to Daddy and sound religious.” 

It didn’t seem to matter what was actually going on in his heart, though, because the father saw his son from a long way off, desperate to have him back in his family regardless of his son’s heart condition, and he ran to meet him and kisses him a million times. The word for “compassion” that the father had for his son hints at a kind of death to resurrection—his son was dead and now he is alive. His reaction is like any good father’s would be, wanting health, goodness, healing, and love for their children. 

His dad is just so thankful to have his son home. He doesn’t know if his son will murder the whole family to get more to spend more or to feed his addiction, just like we parents have no idea what our children will do tomorrow, or next week or next year. They’re with us right now and that’s what matters. Any parent of an addicted child knows that this moment I have with my child who just showed up on my doorstep, might be the only moment I get, and I will celebrate it with everyone in my life because they have all been praying that they will return. 

Addiction or kids that are manipulative have a way of affecting everyone in the family though. How often are other siblings overlooked and undervalued? This story began with “a man had two sons,” but his other son lived between the lines for a while, unmentioned until later when the chaos returned. I wonder if this older brother wasn’t meant to simply represent a bitter, obedient, or self-righteous person. I wonder if this older brother was sad, dejected, and hurting? How many days did he keep the family business going while watching his father become more and more despondent? How many times did he pass the front porch and see his dad watching the horizon for his brother who had already caused their family so much pain? How many times had he asked his father for advice or attention and received a blank stare or was told they could talk about it later?

And the worst part is, when the party began, no one even noticed he was missing. He had to find out from someone else. 

This parable is about a father who had two sons and both of them became lost to him. Once he realized how broken the relationships had become, he was willing to do anything to repair it. This is about a desperate father and a broken and dysfunctional family who didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, but today we celebrate. Today, we will come back together. Today we will start healing. 

Jesus was once asked, how many times should I forgive my brother who has wronged me for the same things over and over again? When do I give up hope? When can finally write him off and move on with my life? Seven times? And Jesus answered, “Seventy times seven.” 

The father had two sons. 

Two very different sons. 

He showered the younger with a million kisses, never speaking a word to him, because that was his younger son’s love language. And he carefully and intentionally chose words to speak to his older son, because that was his older son’s love language.

This parable just ends without a happy conclusion or wrapped in a perfect bow and I think it’s like this because rarely are families like that. Sometimes we have to notice the kids we’ve overlooked in our own homes. Sometimes we have to release the hope of an apology because if we wait to get one, we might wait forever. Maybe the invitation is to celebrate now even while things are still broken and hurting because sometimes the celebrating can be a catalyst for change. Sometimes its being at the party you didn’t want to attend that your heart softens and the grudges loosen and the resentments hold less power and you might just find yourself recognizing how much grace and forgiveness you have received.

With (love),
Bethany